Okay, So Maybe Not...

I had a plan.

You see, living in a world where people are now air brushing their vacation photos (no, I'm NOT making this up!), I am a firm believer in being transparent and genuine.

Thus, I planned on posting a couple of photos of the things that are presently marring my face to affirm my commitment to authenticity.

(There seems to be something inherently unjust about crow's feet and pimples on a face at the same time. If one is old enough to have acquired wrinkles after years of squinting in the sun, they shouldn't have to simultaneously suffer the shame of red pustules dotting their chin. Alas...)

So, I turned the camera on, got it into macro setting to capture every distinctive detail, aimed it at my face and shot several times.

Well...

...after downloading them onto my computer, I've realized that some things shouldn't be photographed, especially in macro setting.

Yeah. You're only getting one photo, but it's for your own good.



Believe me, the close-up pictures of the zits on my chin are better left unviewed. Really.

Just Like Steve's

A couple of years ago, Jeff's friend, Steve, bought a large plasma screen TV. Shortly after the purchase, Jeff went to Steve's house and played split-screen Call of Duty on it. To most of you, this means nothing, but a few of you have just begun to salivate. Well, that's what Jeff started to do as well and he came home that night with a dream.

"I want to get a 50 inch HDTV," he said.

"A 50 inch screen?" I marveled. "That's ginormous! It'd look ridiculous in our living room. Why not 40 inches?"

"Steve's got a 50 inch in a room smaller than ours and it's awesome! It's perfect for playing split-screen."

"People will think we stole a billboard," I said.

"HDTV..." responded Jeff.

"It'll look like an idol propped up on the altar of our entertainment center," I reasoned, piously.

"50 inch screen..." murmured Jeff, growing glassy-eyed.

"We'll have to leave offerings before it on the coffee table or it might become angry with us," I pleaded.

"Just like Steve's..." He was now nearly catatonic.

This tug-of-war between want and unwant went on for nearly two years, though, I must say, it was quite civilized. In almost 17 years of marriage, we've learned the mutual benefits of "respectful disagreement". Additionally, reality was on my side since we didn't have the funds to purchase such a luxury item.

Well, two weeks ago, as I was online, I saw something that allowed the starry-eyed-giggly-me to overpower the practical-logical-me, which is quite unusual since the practical-logical-me usually keeps the starry-eyed-giggly-me hog-tied in the closet.

This magical internet sighting was an ad for a 50 inch plasma screen HDTV at an amazingly low price. The cost, in addition to the facts that it was a trustworthy brand, had over 40 excellent reviews from other customers and the company was offering free shipping, was enough to make the starry-eyed-me begin to giggle.

I knew that Jeff had saved up a big chunk of his personal "fun" money and if I threw in a bit of my own, he could just about fulfill his two year old dream. Thus, I shared the ad with him.

You've already guessed what's next, I'm sure.


Now that's a happy man. :)

Here it is in all of its room-dominating glory:


Yes, it is a happy ending, but there's actually a little twist to the story which the practical-logical-me is determined to find amusing, you see...

...a couple of days ago, Steve himself came over to see our new technicolor behemoth.

"Wow!" he said. "That thing's HUGE!"

"It's the same size as yours," Jeff said.

"No, it's not," said Steve. As his next words exited his mouth and reached my ears, time seemed to slooooooow dooooown:

"Your TV dwarfs mine. My screen's only 40 inches."

Huh???










Oh well...

I love you, Jeffery! Enjoy. :)

Saguaros and a Seventieth

When in Arizona...

...pose with a cactus (just like all the other tourists).

My dad (pictured below with his wife, Donna) recently reached the milestone age of 70:

(Not the best picture, I know, since his eyes are closed. Unfortunately, it's the only one I took of him this weekend. :( )

Most people consider the feat of reaching 70 quite commendable. My dad, however, doesn't. He is a former physics professor and a mathematician, and says that he was more proud of turning 64 because it is a "base 2" number and he's looking forward to turning 71 because it's a prime number. (Nerds find him highly amusing, myself included.)

Anyway, to celebrate him and his seven decades on earth, my sister, Suzanne, planned a weekend birthday extravaganza in which my family partook. It involved a lot of driving, a lot of food and a lot of cacti.

The first thing we did was almost run out of gas in the middle of the Sonoran Desert. That was great fun. There's no thrill quite like the one you feel when your "low fuel" light comes on and you haven't seen a man made structure for the past 70 miles. I'm still running on the adrenaline that my glands pumped out for that occurrence. A dentally challenged gas attendant never looked so beautiful to anyone, I'm sure, as Alvin looked to us as we happily forked over some cash for fuel.

Shortly afterward, we met up with my sister, her husband, Jai, and their twin boys, Jonathan and David:


Per my dad's request, we all went on a tour at the Frank Lloyd Wright museum of architecture. It wasn't as dull as you might think. It was actually quite interesting. Even the kids seemed to enjoy it...sort of.

Afterward, we lunched at a restaurant called, The Feed Bag. Yes, it was as charming as it sounds. :)

Next, we drove the Apache Trail up to the Roosevelt Dam. Arizona has an unusual beauty that is not quite captured in the following pictures:





We stopped in Tortilla Flats for some prickly pear ice cream. When we see a couple of suspended toilet seats, our first instinct is to tell our kids to go stick their faces in them for a photo shoot:


(We're classy like that.)

That night, Suzanne convinced Tobias to try on her new pink Snuggie. Thinking I'd horrify him at the sight of me with my camera in hand, I snuck up and aimed it at him. However, I was the surprised one, though I shouldn't have been. In true Tobias-form, he relished the moment and cheerfully posed his goofily bedecked body:


The next morning, we caught up over breakfast with our friends Smedly, Janet and their lovely quiver-full. An hour wasn't quite long enough, but it was better than nothing.


In Phoenix there are some amazing botanical gardens. Some of those crazy looking plants are quite fun to examine up close...but not too close:


Delaney and the twins found this cactus to be rather huggable:


This King Snake was somewhat cuddly as well:


We lunched on grilled veggies and hummus, though we weren't sure what about half of the veggies actually were. It's been 24 hours and none of us has sickened or dropped dead yet, so apparently they were edible:


(See what I mean?)

Jeff and the kids were determined to climb some rock formations like the one below:


I started feeling vertiginous about half way up. Uncontrollable leaning to the left or right while ascending one of these things is hardly advisable, so I watched (with clenched teeth) while the rest of my precious family reached the clouds. (I was very glad when that was over.)

Before we knew it, it was time to head home from our delightful desert getaway. Happy birthday, Dad. Welcome to the septuagenarian club!

In the car on the way home, Delaney learned how to tie her shoes...


...courtesy of the Colonel himself:


(Just kidding.)

Yet Another...

"Did you really think that was chicken you just ate?"

A Few Things Mildly Amusing

So yesterday, I emerged from our bedroom wearing the new dress I got at Ross for $6.99 (yep, six ninety nine!) and strutted up to Jeff who was sitting at the computer.

"What do you think?" I asked, twirling around while determinedly sucking in my gut.

He looked at me, tilted his head to the side and said, "Hmm...it's...it's...well, I don't think I don't like it."

Excuse me?

You don't think you don't like it?

Praise, indeed. Thanks, Babe.

Anonymous Bowel Troubles

If the above title didn't scare you away, keep reading...

Recently, I was asking this guy I knew as a teen about his job as a human directional. (That's "sign-twirler" for you politically incorrect types.) I remember driving past him once years ago while he was on his corner with his billboard sized arrow.


He said that he only lasted about two weeks at that job because, among other things, there was no toilet available. One day, he had to go numero dos super badly. After returning from taking care of business in the bushes of some unsuspecting homeowner, he found that his sign had been stolen!

Can you imagine explaining that one to your boss?

"Sorry Sir, I came back from pooping under someone's hedge and it was gone!"

Clairvoyant Cookies


Even as a young child, I could see right through the lame cheerfulness of fortune cookies. However, I confess that whenever I'm still savoring the flavor of broccoli beef and a little black tray is placed in front of me, I will retrieve one of the plastic wrapped cookies and crack it open. It's part of the whole Chinese food experience, right?

Our friend Dave recently made this exercise more fun by telling us to add "in the bathroom" to the end of the cookie's message.

My all time favorite result of this was when Delaney read, "You will find gold by the bushel full...in the bathroom."

Wow, that sounds painful.

I'm quite confident that since then she has not found so much as a flake of the shiny stuff, though I hope she hasn't been looking too hard. Ick.

What I'd like to see are more realistic sayings typed out on those little strips of paper. How about:

"You're not fooling anyone."

or

"You would have gotten that promotion if your boss hadn't caught you on Ebay at work."

or

"You've got a piece of bok choy stuck in your teeth."

Now that might do some good in the world.

(Anybody think up a good one? Please share.)