'Tis the Season to Learn Stuff

For Christmas this year, I got some bits o' knowledge.

Sure, I'll share them with you:

#1--If three things you ordered online for your daughter don't arrive before the big day, simply wrap up some things for her that she's already seen a thousand times. As she opens each present, tell her, "This is not your gift." (Also, next year, order things online a bit earlier.)

#2--Don't assume that just because kids are in fifth grade that they no longer believe in Santa Claus. If you do assume this and begin to speak about the jolly old elf who flies through the air in a sled delivering toys to every single child on earth as a mythical being then you may get a few dirty looks from parents and a few confused looks from the children themselves. 'Twill not be the highlight of your holiday season.

And, finally, the pearl of greatest price in this season's oyster of wisdom--

#3--It's not a good idea to wrap gifts on your bedroom floor. When you do this, it's quite possible that hairs of ill-repute may somehow get stuck to the tape which you are using to fasten your wrapping paper, consequently horrifying anyone who comes into contact with the gift. Remember, Christmas presents aren't meant to unnerve and dismay their recipients, nor to shame and scandalize their givers.

Don't forget these vital lessons over the next eleven months, but do enjoy your recovery time.

Happy New Year!

Somewhat Amusing

Never before have I posted a pic of a guy in a speedo and encouraged you to focus on his derriere, but this shot of Tom Daly, British Olympian, is just too funny to ignore:

In case you can't quite make it out, his rump says "British Gas".

Did they decide to sponsor Tom just so they could laugh about their logo placement?

The flame is the winning touch. Heh heh heh...

Also, you may have already seen this. If not then please take three minutes to enjoy it. It's quite funny, whether you relish politics or are simply annoyed by them.

This is Too Good to Keep to Myself

I find absurdity quite delicious, particularly if it manifests itself cleverly.

Thus, I give you...

...the Ostrich Pillow!

As you can see, this delightful configuration of cloth and foam enables you to nap anywhere, any time. A wisely placed opening allows you to breathe while blocking out light, minimizing sound and cushioning your forehead.

Let's see this bad boy in action:




Apparently this fellow has exhausted himself with origami folding and possibly some Internet surfing.

Must nap! 

Note the ergonomic hand-pouches. (We all know that when you rest your head on your desk you don't know what to do with those pesky hands of yours.)

I was super embarrassed on my trip to Romania to utilize one of these fine inventions of comfort:

(Perhaps if I had looked as peaceful and attractive as the above pillow-user I wouldn't have minded so much.)

 Therefore I can not fathom pulling an Ostrich Pillow over my head.

However, you have to have mad respect for the fellow who is brave enough to sport this look in public...



At least the stuffing will soften the blows to the head that will certainly rain down on his/her unsuspecting cranium due to the cruel nature of many individuals in the human race.

Are you asking yourself, "Why? Why? WHY?" Wonder no longer. Click here to watch an illuminating video.

And now you know...

Huh?

Tonight, as he sat at the kitchen table, spooning chocolate pudding from a Snack-Pack cup into his mouth, Tobias said, "I wonder how the world would be different today if Trotsky had triumphed over Stalin."




???


I love how weird my kids are.

One Dumb Photo

This picture cracks me up.

Closed eyes in a photo aren't unusual, but the remarkable thing about it this time is that I was the one taking the picture.

I mean, you'd think there'd be better communication between my right index finger and my eyelids, like, "Hey guys, don't lower yourselves because I'm pressing down now."

Sometimes I amaze myself with my ineptitude.

Ah, here we go...

...proof that I'm not a complete dunce.

Crass Commerciality

So I'm on my way out the door and I grab the latest copy of Reader's Digest that just arrived in the mail (in case I'm stuck in my car for some indefinite amount of time waiting for some kid to be done with some activity) and I see this on the back:


Which advertising executive okayed this ploy?

Yuck!

I guess I should be thankful that they didn't photograph the toilet-paper-flecked-butt of a real bear...

A Few Things Mildly Amusing

So yesterday, I emerged from our bedroom wearing the new dress I got at Ross for $6.99 (yep, six ninety nine!) and strutted up to Jeff who was sitting at the computer.

"What do you think?" I asked, twirling around while determinedly sucking in my gut.

He looked at me, tilted his head to the side and said, "Hmm...it's...it's...well, I don't think I don't like it."

Excuse me?

You don't think you don't like it?

Praise, indeed. Thanks, Babe.

Anonymous Bowel Troubles

If the above title didn't scare you away, keep reading...

Recently, I was asking this guy I knew as a teen about his job as a human directional. (That's "sign-twirler" for you politically incorrect types.) I remember driving past him once years ago while he was on his corner with his billboard sized arrow.


He said that he only lasted about two weeks at that job because, among other things, there was no toilet available. One day, he had to go numero dos super badly. After returning from taking care of business in the bushes of some unsuspecting homeowner, he found that his sign had been stolen!

Can you imagine explaining that one to your boss?

"Sorry Sir, I came back from pooping under someone's hedge and it was gone!"

Clairvoyant Cookies


Even as a young child, I could see right through the lame cheerfulness of fortune cookies. However, I confess that whenever I'm still savoring the flavor of broccoli beef and a little black tray is placed in front of me, I will retrieve one of the plastic wrapped cookies and crack it open. It's part of the whole Chinese food experience, right?

Our friend Dave recently made this exercise more fun by telling us to add "in the bathroom" to the end of the cookie's message.

My all time favorite result of this was when Delaney read, "You will find gold by the bushel full...in the bathroom."

Wow, that sounds painful.

I'm quite confident that since then she has not found so much as a flake of the shiny stuff, though I hope she hasn't been looking too hard. Ick.

What I'd like to see are more realistic sayings typed out on those little strips of paper. How about:

"You're not fooling anyone."

or

"You would have gotten that promotion if your boss hadn't caught you on Ebay at work."

or

"You've got a piece of bok choy stuck in your teeth."

Now that might do some good in the world.

(Anybody think up a good one? Please share.)

Crinkly and Lightly Waxed

Ah, yes...

The management is looking out for me.

So kind of them.

I always feel so protected when I have one of those micron-thin pieces of paper between me and the contagion that is brewing and breeding on the surface of a public toilet seat.




(I must confess I do use them...)

Double Take

Is that a panda?

Nope, it's a...



...poodle! (No, really, it is.)

So are all of these:






Pretty amazing, huh? (The panda is my favorite.)

One Thing Amusing

Recently, I was at the gym on the stair-stepper when on the TV before me began an infomercial. Infomercials are inherently amusing simply because the spokesperson has to act incredibly excited about their product, no matter what it is, in hopes that the viewers will also become enthralled with it and therefore call the 1-800, plastic card in hand.

This particular infomercial was especially delightful to a mocker such as myself because of the product being advertised. The name of it escapes me presently, so we shall henceforth refer to it as "Power Purge".

Power Purge was, as you may have guessed, a laxative, but not just your run of the mill laxative. It was the laxative of choice amongst the rich and famous and had the power to drastically improve one's overall health.

To give a little oomph to his claims, the salesman brought out a couple of "celebrities" who sat on a comfy looking couch and listened to him give his shpiel. (How do you spell that?) These were not celebrities with whom I was familiar, but the salesman sure seemed happy about them joining Team Power Purge.

I've done some weird things to earn money (when I was in college, Jeff and I would regularly get $10 each for donating a few vials of blood to a malaria-cure researcher in one of the science labs which bought a lot of out-to-eat-meals for us), but I can't imagine being so broke that I was willing to become "the face" for Power Purge.

(There are a few things I'd be happy to have my name and face associated with such as a literacy campaign or the charity "Compassion International", but that list is pretty short. There are lots of products that I'm very happy to use, even thankful for, but I don't want to represent them. Ultrabright toothpaste is great, but not as my identity.)

I mean, I certainly don't want the words, "Boy, Aimee was right!" to form in anyone's mind as they flush their fifth bowlful of self-induced diarrhea.

Uh, yeah...

Please don't misunderstand me...I know that there is certainly a place for industrial strength laxatives in decent society, but couldn't they present it in a more realistic manner? More clinically and less celebratory, perhaps.

Can't they just get some guy in a long white coat with a nasally voice to stare into the camera and say, "Whatever your reason for needing Power Purge, it is guaranteed to eliminate the fecal matter from all 2,000 miles of your digestive tract. Trust me, it works." ? I'd even allow for him to smile afterward to end on a personal note and make us feel like he's on our side.

A Few Things Amusing

For a long time now, I've wanted to do a post on things that I find amusing, but there are so many of them that I've been intimidated by the daunting task. Therefore, I've decided to type up just a handful at a time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first (and possibly last) installment of A Few Things Amusing.

Smart Cars:

Don't you chuckle every time you see one of these?


A number of times I've heard people adamantly insist that Smart Cars are indeed safe.

Uh...yeah, if you collide with a shopping cart, but the last time I was on the freeway, there were Suburbans and semis aplenty.


Utilikilts:

Okay, sound it out--utili...kilts...as in utility kilts.

No, I'm not making this up.

Look:


No, this is not the work wear of a female carpenter whose fundamentalist religion dictates that she must wear a skirt at all times. It's a guy. (Notice the leg hair and lack of hippage?)

As a person of Scottish ancestry, I feel strangely obligated to apologize to all the non-Scots out there. Although it, too, would be odd, methinks a utilisarong would somehow be more socially acceptable.

My Freaky Thumbnails:


No, I didn't hit my thumb with a hammer whilst donning my utilikilt. (Hey--there's a good question...if a woman wears a utilikilt is she technically a transvestite?) Anyway, back to my thumbnails...they actually grow this way.

Yes, it is both of them and no, this is not the result of injuries to my thumbs' nailbeds. A hand model I never shall be...