A Few Things Mildly Amusing

So yesterday, I emerged from our bedroom wearing the new dress I got at Ross for $6.99 (yep, six ninety nine!) and strutted up to Jeff who was sitting at the computer.

"What do you think?" I asked, twirling around while determinedly sucking in my gut.

He looked at me, tilted his head to the side and said, "Hmm...it's...it's...well, I don't think I don't like it."

Excuse me?

You don't think you don't like it?

Praise, indeed. Thanks, Babe.

Anonymous Bowel Troubles

If the above title didn't scare you away, keep reading...

Recently, I was asking this guy I knew as a teen about his job as a human directional. (That's "sign-twirler" for you politically incorrect types.) I remember driving past him once years ago while he was on his corner with his billboard sized arrow.


He said that he only lasted about two weeks at that job because, among other things, there was no toilet available. One day, he had to go numero dos super badly. After returning from taking care of business in the bushes of some unsuspecting homeowner, he found that his sign had been stolen!

Can you imagine explaining that one to your boss?

"Sorry Sir, I came back from pooping under someone's hedge and it was gone!"

Clairvoyant Cookies


Even as a young child, I could see right through the lame cheerfulness of fortune cookies. However, I confess that whenever I'm still savoring the flavor of broccoli beef and a little black tray is placed in front of me, I will retrieve one of the plastic wrapped cookies and crack it open. It's part of the whole Chinese food experience, right?

Our friend Dave recently made this exercise more fun by telling us to add "in the bathroom" to the end of the cookie's message.

My all time favorite result of this was when Delaney read, "You will find gold by the bushel full...in the bathroom."

Wow, that sounds painful.

I'm quite confident that since then she has not found so much as a flake of the shiny stuff, though I hope she hasn't been looking too hard. Ick.

What I'd like to see are more realistic sayings typed out on those little strips of paper. How about:

"You're not fooling anyone."

or

"You would have gotten that promotion if your boss hadn't caught you on Ebay at work."

or

"You've got a piece of bok choy stuck in your teeth."

Now that might do some good in the world.

(Anybody think up a good one? Please share.)