The Volturi are After Me!

Well, they might be after this post.

Loving the idea of e-readers and how they are a complete library in the palm of one's hand, I recently checked a Kindle out at the library and happily brought it home.


While scrolling through the 45 + books stored in the nifty little device, I noticed that the Twilight Saga was included.

"Hmmm," I thought, selecting it. "Let's see what this teen literature phenomenon is all about."

I realize I am way late catching this train, but I've never been first in line for anything considered "cool" 'cause frankly, when it comes to trends...

I. Just. Don't. Care.

Up until this point, I've kept very quiet about the whole controversy of Twilight. Having looked like a complete idiot on more than one horrific occasion, I've learned to keep my mouth shut if I don't know anything about a topic.

(Side note: Hey Christians, I believe our demographic would have more credibility with the general populace if we educated ourselves about issues before we busted out our very strong opinions. Just a thought...)

But now, having finished Book 3 last night, I can tap out my take on the saga (or the first three books anyway).

The pros:

1. The vast majority of the story takes place in one of my favorite places on God's lusciously green and gorgeous earth...the Olympic Peninsula!

2. The plot was, in fact, interesting enough to keep me turning pages.

The cons:

1. Although there were some rather clever ideas, there were also some really cheesy ones like the whole skin-sparkling-in-the-sun-thing and how Jacob kept a pair of shorts handy. (I realize that the author had to explain somehow that he wasn't naked when he morphed back into human form from werewolf form, but are we expected to believe that a wolf is capable of bungee cording a pair of shorts onto his hind leg? It would have made more sense to dress the werewolf/boys in ultra stretchy shorts that would stay in place no matter what form their wearer was in. However, a pack of Spanx-clad wolves might not prove to be very intimidating. Hold on...am I actually thinking through what would be the most realistic clothing option for a werewolf? Let's move on, shall we?)

2. The sappy romance factor was way over the top. How many times can Edward's smouldering eyes bore into Bella's without the poor girl needing a double corneal transplant?

3. My biggest problem with the saga is how it could make young girls think about male/female relationships.

(To me, the fact that it involves vampires isn't particularly offensive. I mean, vampires are imaginary creatures on the level of the witch who wanted to eat Hansel and Gretel...



and Klingons...


In fact, the most vampiric thing that reality has to offer are guys like this:


Hmmm...feeling tempted to give up your humanity? Yeah, me neither.)

For example, when Bella finds out that Edward has been sneaking into her room at night to watch her sleep, her main reaction is embarrassment over what she may have said while talking in her sleep.

HELLO!

Homeboy's been sneaking into your room at night!!! How creepy and wrong is that??? It makes some voyeur hiding in the front yard's shrubbery with a pair of binoculars seem almost cute in comparison.

In chapter 20 of Book 3, Bella literally begs Edward to have sex with her. It's difficult for him, but he refuses. How grounded in reality is that?

Seriously!?!?

What's the likely outcome if a 15 year old Twi-hard tries that one on her boyfriend? A very few young men might pull a Joseph (Genesis 39:12) but what about the other 99.98%?

You might argue that Edward, although appearing as a 17 year old, is actually 108 and therefore annealed to his own desires by his maturity and life experience.

Ummm...let's take a cruise over to the nearest convalescent hospital. See Clarence over there in the corner? I think it's quite likely that (assuming his hearing aid is on) when Ethel starts pleading for physical satisfaction that he's going to make quite an effort to comply, 108 or not.

Possibly the most disturbing thing to me is how Bella entrusts her safety to this guy who admits that his strongest instincts are urging him to suck the life blood right out of her. He tells her regularly that he fears he's going to end up possibly killing her. Yet, because of her great love for him and his confessed adoration of her, she consistently sneaks off alone with him.

Sure, there aren't actually boys who want to drink the blood of our daughters (not many anyway) but the real boys surrounding them do have some other incredibly strong drives which can seriously damage girls' minds and bodies. (No, I'm not a misandrist, but I know enough males to know that even the good ones have to daily fight an arduous battle to keep their urges in check.) If girls apply Bella's reasoning to their own situation ("But he loves me!") they might be signing up for a whole truckload of sorrows.

Personally, I'm very glad that my daughter scoffs at this series and has no interest in reading it. In fact, she's probably going to be mortified if she finds out that I'm reading it.

There are a few other points I could harp on, but I think I've enraged both Teams Edward and Jacob enough for one day. Hopefully they'll be as gracious to me as Edward was when he found out that Bella made out with Jacob.

:)