Reeking Realities

Relationships with others are some of the most rewarding experiences we have as humans. Unfortunately, they're also some of the most confusing and painful.

Years ago, I crossed paths with a woman whom we will call Laura. My heart really went out to this lady. She was the mother of a boy about Tobias's age, 7-ish. "Zack", was intelligent and willful and she had the difficult task of raising him alone.

I genuinely wanted to be a help and blessing to this woman so when she suggested we get the boys together I was ready to do so.

It didn't go so well.

I'm not one of those moms who is blind to her own children's faults, always blaming the other kid, but it didn't take long for me to deduce that Zack's presence was hard to enjoy.

Many times I overheard Tobias tell him, "Stop that!", "Don't do that!" "You're gonna hurt it!", etc. (These weren't statements I commonly heard coming out of his room when he was playing with other companions.) Zack's response? Laughter and a continuance of the undesired behavior.

I understand this kid had a difficult row to hoe. His father had expressed no interest in being involved in his life and his mom was trying to figure out how to provide for all of his physical necessities in addition to the emotional and intellectual ones.

If it had just been me having to deal with his less-than-winning personality, I would have stuck it out longer. Being an adult, I can remind myself that hopefully the good from the relationship is outweighing the bad.

But how much should I expect my kids to endure? 

The third or so play date was the final straw. Just before Zack arrived, Tobias informed me that he really didn't like playing with him. Of course I want my kids to learn how to deal with difficult people, but forcing them to play for a few hours with someone who disregards their feelings constantly is above and beyond the call of duty and since my kid was expressly telling me that he'd had enough, I couldn't ignore it.

"Okay," I told him. "Just get through today since he's already on his way and then you won't ever have to play with him again and I'll keep an eye on him to try to keep him in line."

Soon after, Zack arrived.

Tobias told him to stop doing things. Zack laughed. I intervened.

*loop*

*loop again*

Toward the end of Zack's time with us (envision me staring at the oh-so-slow clock), the kids went outside for a while.When they returned, Tobias came in first at a normal speed. A few seconds later, Zack rushed in, laughing. (That should have been my first clue that something bad was afoot.)

Within seconds, I heard a loud noise and Delaney (who was 4 at the time) began bawling.

I rushed into the front entryway to see her grabbing her arm. "What's the matter?"

"He shut the door on me!" she wailed, pointing at a simpering Zack.

Embracing my weeping daughter, I informed Zack that he was not to shut a door if he knew someone was coming in directly behind him. I would have been more upset had I known then what time would tell: later, two long thin bruises, one on either side of Delaney's upper arm, emerged, revealing exactly where the door and its jamb had brutally sandwiched her. He hadn't just shut the door on her. He had slammed it and this wasn't a flimsy inside door; it was a heavy duty front door.

I felt horrible. Her delicate little four-year-old humerus could have snapped between the big solid wooden door and its unrelenting jamb.

Did I hope to be an encouragement to Laura and to provide a fun, safe place for her son, Zack? Absolutely. I genuinely cared about them and wanted to be "Jesus's hands", so to speak, in their lives.

But at what point does reality make that impossible?

I didn't want to plunge my own son into miserable positions in which he grew to hate the very mention of the name "Zack" and I certainly wasn't willing to sacrifice my daughter's physical safety.

A week or so later, Laura stopped by and asked when we could get the boys together.

Now I'm all for fobbing people off when it's the best option, but sometimes being honest and direct is better.

(What? You don't know what fobbing someone off is? Yes, you do.

It's when you answer someone's party invitation with, "Oh, sorry. We're not going to be able to make it." instead of with, "Do we want to come to your party so we can witness you drink way too much and make a complete idiot of yourself in front of everyone present like you did at your last party? I think we'll pass."

See, you've fobbed people off many times.)

Well, I knew that since Zack and Tobias wouldn't be hanging together anymore this was probably a time for straightforwardness even though my knees started knocking as I faced this woman.

As politely and warmly as I could (though I'm sure both were completely lost on her 'cause who wants to hear what I was telling her? It's the stuff of which nightmares are made.), I told her that Zack seemed to have a difficult time knowing when to stop and that he had bruised Delaney through being too rough so the kids weren't going to play together anymore.

That was honestly one of the most difficult statements I've ever made to anyone because I knew it was going to break her heart. But what could I do? Continue to throw my kids under the bus of Zack's disrespectful and somewhat dangerous behavior? No way.

I never mentioned to anyone who knew them what had happened (aside from my husband) although I was tempted to cover my own butt in case she, in her pain and sadness, was telling people tales about me and my kids.I knew that informing others would just throw fuel on a fire that I wished had never started in the first place.

I didn't befriend this woman in order to school her in harsh realities. That's just what reality eventually required of me, much to my dismay.

Not long after that, Laura and Zack moved away. I recently heard from someone the good news that in the last nine years, Zack has grown into a polite young man. Laura probably still feels hurt at the thought of me and my family. That truly saddens me, but I still have a heavy-hearted conviction that I handled the trying situation properly.

While relating to others, we need to accept the fact that sometimes, by doing the right thing, we are going to inadvertently anger or hurt them deeply even though that's the last thing we want. We need to remember that we are going to be misunderstood, misrepresented to third parties and that we can't make everyone happy all the time.

In the words of my dear friend, Shari, "I don't have control over what others think or say about me. I can only control what I do and say."

These facts really stink, but it's better to accept them and move forward knowing that God knows the truth behind what happened and what your intentions were than to flail around trying to create something that can't exist.

Knowing that I am innocent before God (which often requires me to do some serious soul-searching and repenting) is the greatest peace I've found...

...and I'm very pleased to affirm that it's available to everyone. (Romans 5:1)