Something Deeply Personal?

Sure.

I mean, why stop now?

I've been doing something lately that might sound a little strange when you first read what it is, but it's been very helpful to me in this, my time of great fragility.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, I hit the snooze button. Okay, so that's not too unusual, but what I do next might surprise you: I begin to pray, but don't necessarily try to stay awake while doing so.

What? Sacrilege!

No, not really. Let me explain...

A few weeks ago, during his message, our pastor set a scene for us and then he asked a question that hit me like a ton of bricks. It went something like this:

"Imagine your four year old child approaches you and puts her arms around your leg. You, lovingly look down at your cherished child, thinking about how much you love her and begin to stroke her head. In that moment, as she's gazing, trustingly up into your eyes, she opens her mouth and says, 'Mommy, I just want you to use me.' How would that make you feel?"

(Sorry if I butchered that in the retelling, Jon.)

His point was that God is our father and the purpose of our existence is to relate to Him in that loving way. If being used by God is a Christian's main goal then something is askew.

This impacted me so profoundly because "God, please use me today" has been the first thing I've thought/prayed each morning for the last 20+ years.

Please don't misunderstand, desiring to be used by God to do good in His name is an extremely noble desire, but if that is primary, before simply relating to God as a caring father, then it is a problem.

Recognizing that my view of life was askance has alleviated a lot of pressure on my heart and mind. God didn't create me to be His little workhorse who has to run around every day trying to justify her existence.  He created me to know and enjoy Him like the father that He is.

So that is why I pray/doze each morning now. As I first awaken, I thank God for the new day and His promise to be with me throughout its duration. Then I begin to talk to Him about all sorts of things, and if I fall back asleep while doing so, that's okay.

Imagine your little child falling asleep as they talk to you as you hold them in your arms. That would be alright with you, right? In fact, I think a good parent would find it precious. And as a child, wouldn't you feel so at ease in the arms of your adoring dad, so safe, that you would likely fall asleep talking to him?

Of course there are other times during the day that I practice a more disciplined kind of prayer, but the fact that I don't always have to pray studiously and precisely helps me remember that I'm God's kid, not His employee.

That's a much better position to be in, don't you agree?