The Idiot's Guide to Depression

Okay, so I don't think I'm technically depressed although I have started crying at random times and places a lot lately.

Last week at the bank, the teller brightly asked me, "How are you today?" My eyes promptly began to leak as I mumbled some pathetic reply. Poor her. She probably hasn't asked anyone that seemingly innocuous question since.

Anyway, the fact is that all of us are going to experience some very sorrowful times in our lives, and I'm sure some of you reading this are presently right there with me. If sadness isn't something you're very familiar with then suddenly finding yourself neck-deep in it can be quite bewildering, thus this post.

(If you're wondering what's up with me, read my last post.)

The following are some things I've found helpful lately. I hope they can help others, if not now then at some point in the future.

Don't isolate yourself.

Whatever problems we face, our human tendency can be to hide from others out of a sense of pride. Let's face it: It's embarrassing to admit that you are hurting and frail, especially when it involves your face contorting into ugliness and snot dripping down your upper lip.

However, problems seem even bigger than they truly are when we're alone with them. Lots of people might have gone through what you are facing and they can probably tell you some truths to encourage you through it all.

That doesn't mean you have to share everything with everybody. The world isn't owed an explanation of your issues, but a handful of genuinely good people can help immensely.

I'm incredibly grateful for all the love I've felt from many quarters in the past few weeks. Church people often get a bad rap, but I have to say that the many dear friends we've met through the three fellowships we've been involved with over the past 25 years are absolutely wonderful. So are a bunch of people we didn't meet through church. Thank you, sweet friends.

Try to keep things in perspective.

For me this means reminding myself that although our son isn't living here, we are all still spending some time together each week. We still sit through church together, eat meals together, share youtube clips with each other and when I tell him I love him, he still tells me he loves me, too. That's light years better than what they could be.

Our relationship isn't what I thought it would be nor what I desperately want it to be, but we aren't calling each other names, yelling at each other or slamming doors in each others' faces. Those are every day occurrences for some unfortunate souls.

Know your limitations.

Life isn't normal for me right now and some of the things I normally do just aren't happening. 

For example, I haven't been wearing much make-up lately, so I probably don't look like my usual self. (I've learned that looking a bit washed out is a better look for me than is this look, modeled by Laura Dern:

 ...and since I can't accurately predict my eyes' sprinkler system, I find that going bare-faced is a safer option.)

Other things that don't normally happen need to happen.

The normal me is content to stay at home most of the time but lately I've needed to get out, sometimes just to be in a crowd or feel a breeze on my face.

I don't like that I'm so abnormal as of late, but it is what it is and things might get even wackier if I try to just carry on as usual  and my brain and/or body suddenly refuse. Who knows what regrettable happenings would result? I don't want to find out.

Yes, I have limitations and that is okay.

Don't underestimate the power of exercise. 

Stress building up inside the human body can be a very destructive force. Expending some energy goes a long way in alleviating the pressure and safeguarding us from physical and even mental problems.

I definitely can tell a difference between when I'm getting enough exercise and when I'm not. Exercise won't fix the problems, but it can help us be better equipped to deal with them.

Learn what you can from what's happening to you.

I've learned that a lot of the things I thought were definite in life aren't.

When I gave birth to my son at the age of 20, I thought that we'd never face some of the troubles that others did. Of course there was no guaranteeing against illness or accidents, but relationally we were going to be perfectly fine.

We were bringing him into a two parent home. We had (still do have) a strong faith in Christ and would raise our son to know that he was deeply valued by God. I was going to be a great mom, kind but firm, encouraging but not overly demanding, allowing him to pursue his own interests, instructive but fun, etc.

It didn't take me too long to figure out that I couldn't control everything, especially him.

Still, we were never going to be a family broken up prematurely. We couldn't be; I mean...we love genuinely...we listen to our kids and talk things through with them...we don't live hypocritically, saying one thing to our children yet doing another.

While all those things are true and good, they don't hog-tie a kid from making his own decisions. So this is what I've learned: I shouldn't assume that other parents did something wrong just because their kid is taking certain actions or not taking certain actions.

Yes, I have grown considerably less judgmental in the past several weeks. That's what a humbling sorrow will do to you, make you realize that a lot of the crap you've thought about other people over the years was unfounded and unfair.

To all the people who I thought were crummy parents in the past, I'm sorry. You were probably just doing the best you knew how...like me.

Don't sacrifice the good in your life to the emptiness you feel over your grief.

There are still a lot of profoundly wonderful things in my life, even if one of my primary desires (a healthy, happy, meaningful relationship with my son) isn't exactly panning out.

For example, a lot of people have been asking about how Jeff and I are doing as a couple. Often, when there is trouble with one of the kids, a husband and wife will grow cold towards each other, blaming the other for the problems or simply forgetting about the other valuable things in their life.

That isn't happening with us. In fact, although I've loved my husband for years and years, I have an even deeper appreciation for him now. I cherish the good relationship I have with him, knowing how vital it is.

If we were so focused on the upset in our lives that we didn't take the time to invest in each other then we could suffer even more loss, needlessly. That, my friends, is what you call a lose-lose situation.

Don't feel guilty about your sorrow.

God created us to go through a grieving process during traumatic times. If we are feeling guilty about the fact that we're sad then we aren't able to focus on just going through the necessary stages of dealing with the sorrow.

Sure, there comes a time when grief turns to needless wallowing but sometimes that's a long ways off, especially if your situation is particularly upsetting.

When you need to cry, just cry. Let it out.

Don't add to your trouble with unnecessary guilt over the fact that you're a fragile mortal. God knows what you are, so just admit it to yourself. It's easy. Watch:

Hey. My name is Aimee and I am a frail human who weeps while filling out bank slips and needs to be reminded of important truths by my loving friends. 

See? That was a piece of (crappy tasting, yet helpful) cake.

Actively seek out sources of amusement and joy.

Pet a puppy.

Go out to dinner with friends, even if you think you might start blubbing over the lettuce wraps. (Which I somehow managed not to do, right Andrea???)

Laugh.

A much anticipated part of our nightly routine lately has been an episode or two of King of the Hill on Netflix. As ridiculous as it might sound, listening to Boomhauer yammer unintelligibly  genuinely helps me.

 
That didn't bring a smile to your face? Well, what about this?

That little video didn't make you laugh either?

Well, maybe my family and I are just sick, but certainly there are things you find amusing. Find them and laugh until it hurts...

...hurts less, that is.